By now, it's no secret that for the third year in a row, I lost the Miss Pacific Islander of San Diego pageant. Does it suck?... YES. Does it hurt?... Of Course! Is it hard to talk about?... Hell yeah!
But I want to share my honest and most vulnerable thoughts surrounding the event and the outcome.
Let's back track to last year. I felt humiliated. Never in the history of Miss PIFA has someone ran twice and not won the second time (so imagine how it feels to do this three times! Hey... at least I set a new record). I took the loss way harder than I thought I would last year and wanted to come back stronger and better than ever. My grief and embarrassment is what created Sincerely, Alana.
This year, just like last, one of the first thoughts that run through your head is "why am I not good enough?" That thought and doubt is one of the most painful feelings and it's one that I've experienced too many times throughout my life. The difference with this year was- that negative thought only lasted for a brief second. I knew at that point that there was nothing more that I could've done and that I did EVERYTHING in my power to be the best version of myself that I could be. I will say that the experience after it was announced was one of the most bizarre moments in my life.
Almost nobody clapped and everyone looked around bewildered. Of course I had friends and family that came up to me, biased, who said I should've won. But then Teini's family and multiple board members started saying the same thing. Everyone looked just as confused as I was feeling. And this is not to take away from Teini's win - this is just my experience. People left and right were literally crying. To hear the immediate out pour of love and support and reassurance was heartwarming but it didn't take away the pain or embarrassment.
There's this cycle of emotions that you go through when something like this happens. Embarrassment, sadness, anger, rage, humor, and then a sliver of hope and positivity. Then it repeats until you gather enough positivity about the situation that the rest of the cycle dissipates. I had lots of plans for PIFA this year that I know no one will be able to execute the way that I would. And those plans might not happen. But one thing that's helped is that I have a good feeling about Teini and what she can accomplish with the title. People have asked me if I'll run again and my immediate answer and feeling is no... however this isn't a definite and my feelings might change. My plans for PIFA aren't for me or my ego or the title, it's for the community. I keep running for the title because when you have a position of power, it's easier to get certain things done.
The last part that has helped me move on and stay positive, is Sincerely, Alana (SA). Without failure, this platform would've never been created. When I first began this journey with SA, it made me truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Losing sucked and it still does, but a part of it also makes me excited to see what this reason is. To see what else I can create from this downfall and how I will get back up. It's crazy to think about, but after the pageant it began raining (at the end of June in San Diego). And I just know that was Alex's Grandma Lorraine (aka Grandma Rain) watching. Then there was a double rainbow, and I knew that was my grandma. Both of them were there cheering me on, crying with me, and cleansing me of all the negative thoughts that ran through my mind.
I guess you can say that over the last year I've grown a lot. A lot of humility, confidence, and personal security. I know that I've contributed so much to the community in such a short amount of time because it's what I love to do. I know I will continue this journey, maybe not as Miss PIFA, but as Alana Godoy.
Since I was a little girl, writing was always my go- to way of expressing myself and escaping from the rest of the world.